


Just Another Bad Narnia Fanfic

by LucyCrewe11 (Raphaela_Crowley)



Series: If Narnia Fanfics Became Self-Aware [2]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, F/M, Meta, Not Serious, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26905882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raphaela_Crowley/pseuds/LucyCrewe11
Summary: A bad fanfic gets even worse when Peter decides he likes Susan better than mary-sue and gets into a fight with Caspian over her.
Relationships: Caspian/Susan Pevensie, Peter Pevensie/Susan Pevensie
Series: If Narnia Fanfics Became Self-Aware [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963171
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Just Another Bad Narnia Fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2008 and makes jokes about the Narnia fandom back then. Might not completely make sense now.

The sun had just risen over the shinny copper-coloured trailers with stain glass sliding doors in the fanfiction characters location park when Peter Pevensie heard a voice on the intercom bellow, "All Chronicles of Narnia characters to stage four ay-sap!"

He rolled his eyes and moaned, slapping the side of the speakers with his right hand, searching desperately for the snooze button before he realized there wasn't one.

"Stupid fangirls," He muttered, climbing out of his fur-lined bunk and throwing on a pair of forties pants with suspenders. "Do they have to post updates so early in the morning?" He threw a pair of shinny brown leather lace up boots on his feet and then slid the screen door open. "No one reads their lame fics anyway." He paused for a moment in deep reflection. "Actually no one _can_ read their fics. They never spell check."

"Need...coffee...now..." A small girl's voice from the trailer next to his muttered.

Poor Lucy Pevensie had been forced to star as a 'cute little girl' sidekick to the sparkling-pink Mary-sue (Who usually spent more than half the chapter fawning over Peter, Edmund, and Caspian and somehow still managed to save the day by the end of each and every mind numbing installment) more often than she could count.

"Hey, Lu." Peter waved to her.

All he got for an answer was a slight snore and then a short, "What? Where? No, I'm awake."

They've really got to do something about the child-labor around here, Peter thought to himself as he skipped down the lane towards stage four.

"I'm telling you, I'm an OC in the next chapter of, 'Edmund goes to the store'." A short red-haired girl insisted to the security guard who was holing a clipboard. "I sell him sandwich bread and then he gazes deep into my eyes and..."

"Name?" He yawned.

"I don't have one." She shrugged.

"You're not on the list." He said, turning to Peter now. "Next!"

"Hey, Joe." Peter sighed, winking at the red-haired OC. She was pretty cute, too bad Mary-sue always had to be blond (Until the writer felt like changing it to black or brown for no apparent reason, that is).

"Sup, Peter?" He waved, signaling for him to go inside.

After he had walked though the spinning glass door, Peter looked behind him and noticed Lucy half-asleep leaning on the same door, going around in circles.

"Maybe I should try to help her..." Peter started before he heard a squeaking voice in the distance.

"Petey!"

Mary-sue! "...later!" He decided, running for the other end of the studio as quickly as his legs could run.

"Petey!" He was nearly tackled from behind by a slim blond girl in a pink dress. "Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"No." Peter lied quickly.

She frowned at him. "Why didn't you call me last night?"

"Um...'the sound of music' was on ABC?" Peter tried.

"You don't like me!" Mary-sue promptly burst into tears and stared wailing.

"No, it's not that..." Peter said-he hated watching girls cry, even horrible nightmares like Mary-Sue. "I was going to call but I...I er...um...was called on secret mission in the Lone Islands."

"Really?" She stopped sobbing and peered up at him through her tears.

"What's that?" Peter pretended someone was calling him. "Coming!"

Mary-sue watched as he dashed off and heard a splash in the distance.

"Hey, you must be the so-called OC, my brother is supposed to fall in love with." Susan strolled by putting lipstick on using a small flip-top mirror. She snapped it shut and then offered her hand to Mary-sue. "I'm Susan Pevensie."

Mr. Tumnus came up to them looking very confused. "Susan, you missed it, Peter just jumped over a fence, out ran the white witch's wolves, and then landed in the neighbor's pool!"

"Hullo, little goat-man." Mary-sue cooed. "I'm Mary-sue."

He paused and nodded. "Ah yes, that's the name he was screaming."

A short man with a goatee and a cow-boy hat walked up to them and said, "Hi, I'll be the director of the fic you're cast in today."

"Yeah, whatever." Susan sighed in a bored tone. "Where's Caspian so we can say flowery nonsense, go between two worlds, blah blah blah...and then I can get the heck out of here."

"Caspian's not here yet." The director told her as his tired-looking assistant dragged a soaking-wet Peter back towards the main sound-stage. "He hasn't signed in."

At that moment, Caspian fast-walked into the room. "I am so sorry I'm late but hair like this takes time." He shook his hair and it landed in slow motion.

"Oh-righty, then." Susan coughed, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, take one." The director started before realizing that Lucy was still going round and round in the glass door, too tired to figure out how to get in or out, and that Edmund had yet to show. "I say, where's Edmund?"

"I'll call him." Peter said, pulling out his cell phone and flipping through the phonebook feature. "Ed, where are you?" He paused. "Uh-huh, okay, fine, you what? Oh my god, he did not!" He put his free hand on his hip. "No! Really? Sure fine, okay...cool...yup see you then."

"What'd he say?" Mary-sue asked, wetting her lips.

Peter crinkled his forehead and shrugged. "Beats me, there was too much static."

The director pouted and growled, "Every day it's something!" He glared at them. "Just once, I would like to get through a chapter!"

"Let's just start with the kiss scene between you and Mary-sue." The assistant yawned, motioning to Peter. "And...action..."

Peter couldn't take it anymore. "I can't take it anymore!"

"Whatever do you mean, darling?" Mary-sue asked in annoyingly chipper tone.

"I mean, I...I..." Peter ran over to Susan and fell at her feet. "I love you!"

Susan looked appalled. "Peter, that's sick!"

"No, you know what's sick?" Peter barked. "I have been paired with Mary-sue exactly one hundred and thirty-nine times. That's sick! I can't take it anymore! Her annoying voice. Her perfect dresses. The retarded way she says my name. The fact that she took the cushion off my throne after the coronation..."

"It was out of alignment, sweetie!" Mary-sue protested, holding up a feng shui chart.

"And now so's my spine!" Peter practically spat at her, bending down slightly rubbing his lower back. Whirling around he turned on Susan. "And you!"

"Me what?" Susan frowned at him. "What'd I do?"

"Stop trying to ruin this fic! It's not a proper Peter/Susan story unless one of us confesses to being adopted or else dies! Now which is going to be?" Peter shouted exasperatedly.

"Alright, I'm adopted." Susan mumbled, wishing she'd stayed in bed that morning.

"Hey back off!" Caspian said, stepping in front of Susan. "She's with me."

Peter snorted and tossed his head back. "As if!"

"Don't push it." Caspian hissed.

Peter slapped him upside the head. "Go flirt with Ramandu's daughter."

"My hair!" Caspian whined, putting his hand to his head.

"Oh it's probably not your real hair anyway." Peter laughed bitterly.

"Oh that's it!" Caspian shouted, pulling out his sword. "You're going down."

"Bring it on, prissy boy!" Peter taunted, taking out his own sword.

"Ahhhhhhh!" Caspian charged at him.

Their swords clinked together but for some reason didn't sound like it so they started making the sounds themselves.

"Cling, cling, cling..." Peter said, blocking off one of Caspian's blows.

"You guys are so stupid, I don't want either one of you!" Susan blurted out.

The director shook his head. "No, no, no...boys, if this is the way you want to take this fic, then at least do it a little more dramatically, will you?"

"What do you mean?" Peter's eyebrows sank into his forehead in deep confusion.

"More like a...I dunno...soap opera." He mused.

Peter and Caspian shrugged at each other. "Okay."

"Cling, cling, cling." Caspian started shaking his sword again.

"You guys are so stupid!" Susan wailed over dramatically, putting her hand to her forehead like she was about to swoon. "I don't want either one of you!"

"Well you...you betrayed me!" Caspian sobbed in-between a fresh round of clinging sounds.

"How could you?" Peter threw his hands in the air and then pretended to throw his sword across the stage.

"How was that?" Caspian stopped fighting and looked over at the director eagerly.

The director's facial expression was nothing sort of horrified. "Forget about the soap opera, okay? Just do it like...a musical..."

"Can do!" Peter told him.

"Stay away from my girl." Caspian sang, echoing the last letter on the world 'girl'.

"Cling, cling, cling!" Sang Peter, happily, waving his sword around.

"You guys are so stup-" Susan started to sing.

"Ugh, stop!" The director begged them. "When you do the swords, do not say, 'cling cling cling'!"

"I didn't say it, I sang it." Peter pointed out.

"Well if we're singing, I'm going to win my queen back through song!" Caspian decided, standing three inches away from Susan's face before singing (Very off key). "When a man loves a woman..."

"Great song, Caspian, which one are you?" Peter laughed.

"Oh that does it, it's go time." Caspian took off after Peter in a chase that ran passed the main door and ended in accidentally knocking a dazed-faced Lucy who'd finally gotten out of the glass doors onto the floor.

"Ow!"

Edmund. who'd finally arrived, walked into the room just as Caspian was pinning Peter onto the ground in a headlock.

"What's going on here?" He looked down at his feet where a trampled Lucy lay, glaring up at him. "Oh, Hello, Lu."

"Peter, if you don't agree to marry me right now, I'm going to kill myself." Mary-sue wailed, running into the room. "You are my one and only lov-" She noticed Edmund. "Hullo hottie younger Pevensie!"

"Great, go steal _his_ throne cushion." Peter told her.

"Just keep your hands off my cup holder, okay?" Edmund said, patting her on the shoulder.

"I need a doctor." Lucy moaned from her spot on the floor.

"Isn't she so cute?" Caspian sighed, bending down and patting her on the head.

"You'd better learn to sleep with your eyes open." Lucy yawned threateningly as Peter and Edmund helped her to her feet.

Meanwhile, Susan sat alone by the refreshments table when a familiar voice said, "Phyllis?"

"Oh hey...whatever your name is." Susan couldn't remember what he was called and quite frankly she didn't care.

"Hey, can I take you out to lunch?" He offered.

Susan was about to say no when she heard Caspian and Peter fighting over her again. "Okay, just get me out of here, now!" She threw herself into his arms and ordered him to run out of the studio as fast as he could.

"I can't believe we lost her to that guy." Peter grumped, trying to sit down in a chair but finding he was too sore.

"Waaahmmmmmm!" Caspian started making humming noises while putting his sword in the air.

"What _are_ you doing?" Peter asked.

"Lightsaber." Caspian shrugged. "I gotta practice for the star wars crossover."

"Great." Peter sighed, folding his arms across his chest. "Just great."


End file.
